Monday, February 10, 2014

Tooth and Nail

You may have noticed that one of the items on my un-bucket list was: fight for tooth and nail for confidence.  You might be wondering, this girl has galloped racehorses, backed babies, jumped around preliminary, does she really struggle for confidence in the saddle?  The answer is yes.  It is not every day anymore, but quite often fear tries to raise its ugly head.  Every time it does I make a choice to not give it the time of day.  I choose to think about my skills and not the nebulous idea of danger.  I'm not particularly scared of falling off, it happens.  The fear more encompasses this swirling cloud of the unknown.  My over active brain does strange things and I choose to not listen, I go to instinct.  I've ridden some real crazies and if I have a chance to get my heals down and eyes up they are hard pressed to get me off.  The fear though can literally be paralyzing and tends to crop up when not much is actually happening, but the possibility is there.  I was talking with a friend about it the other day and she was shocked to hear that I struggled with fear.  That shocked me, when I'm grappling with my daemons it feels like there is a neon sign flashing above my head 'this girl is scared out of her mind.'  Turns out there isn't.  It was actually a confidence boost, because when I am fearful and think the people around me can see it (and are judging me, another irrational thought of mine) it gives that fear a foothold.  It whispers in my ear, picking at my armor and strength.  It knows where my weaknesses are because it is in my head.  My mind can be my own worst enemy.  It was liberating to choose to not be scared.  To choose to not listen to that terrible voice.  To choose to hand that fear to God and let him deal with it.  Call me crazy for being so freaking stubborn, but I wanted it desperately.  My trainer suggested several times that I stick to dressage, I had the talent.  I don't think he understood a teenage girl in tears about jumping who kept gritting her teeth and coming back for more.  My confidence had been tenuous at best and a few nasty falls opened up a vault of what ifs that constantly ran through my head.  I had already battled fear once on my pony and I knew I could do it again.  My trainer's wife also taught lessons and occasionally I would take one from her, one day she recognized the panicked look on my face out on the cross country course and said some words I keep with me every day.  Throw your heart to the other side and go get it back.  She knew I could do it, she had also fought her own battles for confidence.  So, I kept swinging that leg up and over on any horse I could get my hands on, reminding myself to breath in and out, in and out.  I had plans to go back east and be a working student after high school and I thought for sure that was when I would remake myself.  How wrong I was.  A lady with an incredibly generous spirit had me start riding her young horse as she had two horses and limited time.  She had seen me ride and knew I had skills, but she hadn't been privy to my fear issues.  I fell in love immediately with the mare and didn't want to fail, suddenly I had that final push to kick the fear out.  We went on trail rides (of which I had been petrified previously) and gallops,  I started riding her in cross country lessons and going to events.
A couple of redheads finding their way
Right before my eyes and the eyes of my parents and trainer I blossomed.  Ironically the mare wasn't even a packer, she was downright rank at times, you should have seen the buck she had.  But, we clicked, I would have gone to the ends of the earth for that mare and eventually she for me.  Here I was a girl 'paralyzed by fear' a year earlier going to events and growling a green spooky horse around novice courses.  I had done it, I had redefined who I was right at home.
She could jump the moon
I went back east and rode for 7 months and when I came home the same lady let me ride her experienced horse around two Trainings and a Prelim.  Our paths started to split after that, but I will always be grateful for the opportunities she gave me.  I first started riding that red mare over 9 years ago and I can remember the way she felt like it was yesterday.  So yes, I still have to choose to be confident, it isn't naturally in me.  I'm an avid reader not a downhill skier.  I hope someone reads this who needs to know it can be done.  I hope someday I get to run Advanced, but most of all I hope someday I can inspire at least one little girl (or boy or grownup for that matter) to not give up, to not let the fear take over, to do what they want no matter how hard.
One heart.

11 comments:

  1. Thanks, kinda actually needed to read this kind of post right now. I am a rather shy, timid person at heart (most people have no idea since I talk a lot and fake being outgoing) with a lion's share of stubborn and passion inside, and it makes for some epic inner battles. Glad to know someone who does as much as you do fights the same fear demons and wins.

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  2. For me, it's always incredibly humanizing to know that people I admire have fears. I have this belief that people that say they don't have fears are hiding something! What is it about red headed mares that helps us overcome these big hurdles???

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  3. Confidence comes in many forms, as does fear. Thanks for sharing your story.

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  4. This is a lovely story. I very much connect to everything you just said. I too have done a lot in my riding career and yet the fear that creeps in before every trail ride and every cross country schooling and sometimes even in a regular jump lesson is just baffling to me at times. No one sees it, my horses arent reacting negatively to it, so it seems I've got everyone fooled but me. For me, I just have to be on horses I really trust and I am cognoscente that trust takes time to develop. Thank you for sharing this! I love this quote so much "Throw your heart to the other side and go get it back." That's really beautiful!

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  5. We have similar stories, only it's taken me a LOT longer t get the 'grrr' going and my version of winning is jumping a 2'6" course without being afraid. Still, we have to grow our own confidence sometimes!

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  6. Thank you for posting this! It's always nice to know that you share something with very knowledge & capable people, it gives hope.

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  7. I'm sure you know I struggled a LOT with confidence with Reveille -- so much that I'd have called my confidence shattered by the end of that last May derby. Apollo has been the healer of my confidence, really. He and Gary and Brenda have put a broken girl back together, and I am more grateful than I can ever express for that! What an exceptional horse he is. :) He's helping another person at the barn, too, while her horse heals.

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  8. You inspire me all of the time silly! So check that one off of your list ;)

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  9. Being involved with horses I think a certain amount of fear is a good thing otherwise we run the risk of getting overconfident/cocky and that's when nasty accidents might happen.
    We all struggle with confidence issues, Kika and I had a pretty torrid time autumn 2010/winter 2011 - took until the following summer/autumn to get confidence back on track. Thanks to a good friend who rode her when I couldn't get on her and has been working with us since I have rediscovered the joy of horses.

    Sorry went off track, I really just wanted to agree with HolyBully and say that you inspire me also!!!

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  10. Confidence is such a touch and go crazy thing. I've struggled with it over and over and yup, somehow it takes a red head to fix all that.

    Looking forward to fun adventures this year.

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  11. Love this, thanks for sharing. I currently am a pretty confident rider but my confidence was thoroughly broken before and it took my current Coach--and another rank green mare--she didn't buck but had a nasty spook on her--to get it back. Now I'm super blessed to have River man and he is keeping up with building it up even more!

    You're inspiring, keep it up! :)

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