So I may be getting a biology degree, but occasionally (or not so occasionally) I need a break. So this year I took my second semester of British literature (my dream degree). My big assignment for the year was writing a piece of satire similar to Johnathon Swift's 'The Ladies Dressing Room' , he is a king of satire and stretches the bounds of what is socially acceptable (A Modest Proposal) please keep in mind he is the epitome of sarcastic. I played it a little safe, but still received a 100% for the final grade! Now don't get me wrong while reading below, I love Jane Austen, I've read all her novels many more times than once...but a little self effacing humor never hurt anyone ;)
A Jane Austen Book Club
They sigh and moan and dream and wish
Why is my husband not like this?
They want a man from Pemberly
Who stares and broods such as he,
5 This Mr. Darcy with his land.
He does not smile, wink, or laugh
Until he meets Elizabeth.
That one true love they dream they think,
Cannot exist this time this place.
10 These books they must fulfill their wish,
They must be their gift their tryst.
Knightly for his Emma must pine,
Until she learns he bides his time.
All the women from books throughout,
15 Must from a broken heart feel pain
And sometimes swoon for love to gain.
At dances of such social stance
Politics take the form of plans.
New women read for an escape,
20 From reality withdraw a pace
To a time lacks rights for girls.
For money must a choice be made,
Marry man or fop no difference.
We are emancipate girls rejoice!
25 Why then wish for other of ways?
Because the lads are also gents,
Their speech and ways magnificent.
With carriages, horses, land, and lakes,
They have the forms ladies dreams do take.
30 When sisters leave the sense they have
They fall for men of scoundrel miens
And open their chests for hearts to take.
Dear ladies read about these foibles,
Turn blind eye towards rakes to date.
35 Men made of the better mettle
Pray for women not to settle.
The circumstances never straight
Due to female’s meddlesome ways.
Ladies today have not dances
40 Instead they leave it to their chances
And weak fate is as matchmaker
How can a lover, man, and mate
Find his dream if she will not traipse,
From the grasp of her computer screen
45 From Facebook, chat rooms, and the like?
To her real men seem to grow pale
It is because memory does fail.
If men today spoke such as Darcy
Laugh she must at such grey blarney.
50 So ladies please give books a break
And as Miss Dashwood learn to wait,
But don’t quite leave things up to fate.
As Lizzy’s friend tries to remind us,
Men know not of this thing, Romance.
55 In fact their wits hardly make sense,
But when she stays they run away.
If heartbreak is what you do fear
Then by all means continue to leer
60 At those dog-eared, worn, loved sheets.