|Be still my heart|
The flip side of this for which there are also no words is Mojito. He was supposed to be the special one, we were supposed to go places and conquer the world, he was supposed to be the answer to my dreams. I've been alluding to him for a while now, but I just haven't been able to type the words. You have probably noticed how sporadic his riding was over the last year and a half, and even more so before that. Before I was short on time, for the last year and a half I have been trying to get him going. He used to be the easiest horse, so willing and amiable. It hasn't been that way for a long time, first I blamed his teeth, but when they got worked on there was minimal improvement. Then I blamed his back, again it got worked on, again minimal improvement. I kept making excuses, but he is only 7, has nearly no miles, he lives turned out. He looks like an old man. He used to be a phenomenal mover, truly one of the best I had ever seen. Now, he takes the shuffling stride of an old quarter horse. When hubby got home this spring he watched him in the field for 30 seconds and then asked how long my horse had been lame. Yes, I've had him looked at by the vet, and race trainers (if anyone can see something or think of something it is them). No, they are baffled. It is something degenerative, possibly neurological. Could I spend thousands of dollars on diagnosis? Yes, but I'm not going to. I don't have the money to throw around to find out what I already know, he can't be ridden. Bute did nothing, time off has done nothing, x-rays were clean. Stall rest wouldn't help, as it is an issue of weakness. He gets worse right in front of my eyes. I believe it was so subtle for a long time that it wasn't really noticeable as a lameness, but instead appeared to be training (or teeth or back) issues. He no longer plays with his friends and mostly just stands around. He is going to need put down. I've been pussyfooting around it for about two months, but he has only gotten worse. I kept doubting myself, but even that is gone, everyone I know that sees him is on the same page. I convince myself that I will be ok with it, but then driving down the road at the most random of times I start crying. It sneaks up on me.
So yes, I am happier than I have ever been, but also completely heart broken. Thank you Prisoner for gluing me back together. And to Mojito, when the time finally comes, may Heaven's green fields be ever green and crisscrossed by the marks of your frolicking hooves.