Muchness, a made up word from a fun movie. The thing about this made up word is that it describes exactly what I've struggled with this summer. Somewhere along the way last winter/spring I allowed some people in my life to plant seeds of doubt about my skills and aptitude with horses. I shouldn't have listened and also should have quickly ripped those 'weeds' out as they started to take root and grow. The problem though is that I wasn't totally aware of it, somehow the doubt had seeped into my own thinking. I started to doubt everything I did while I rode. I started to doubt how I remembered the past. I started to somehow rewrite my history. Instead of thinking about all the horses I had trained and retrained and the good I did them, I started to look for ways that I had somehow caused their issues. I continually heaped guilt over things I had no control of on myself, suddenly every bad thing any horse had done I had convinced myself was my responsibility. Talk about burying yourself alive. I know I keep rehashing this in different ways, but I'm making progress, so thank you for listening.
Speaking of muchness, when did being confident become such a crime? Maybe it was just in my own head, but let's say this is going to be my new theme song for a while!