Sunday, November 8, 2015


Muchness, a made up word from a fun movie.  The thing about this made up word is that it describes exactly what I've struggled with this summer.  Somewhere along the way last winter/spring I allowed some people in my life to plant seeds of doubt about my skills and aptitude with horses.  I shouldn't have listened and also should have quickly ripped those 'weeds' out as they started to take root and grow.  The problem though is that I wasn't totally aware of it, somehow the doubt had seeped into my own thinking.  I started to doubt everything I did while I rode.  I started to doubt how I remembered the past.  I started to somehow rewrite my history.  Instead of thinking about all the horses I had trained and retrained and the good I did them, I started to look for ways that I had somehow caused their issues.  I continually heaped guilt over things I had no control of on myself, suddenly every bad thing any horse had done I had convinced myself was my responsibility.   Talk about burying yourself alive.  I know I keep rehashing this in different ways, but I'm making progress, so thank you for listening.
Much buck
Anyways, I've been in search of where my muchness went.  Here's the thing, the best riders have a certain level of cockiness.  Even the nicest and most humble of good riders still exude a bit of that 'I'm the shiz' attitude.  You know what?  They need it.  I've been guilty of it, but I don't know that guilt is the right word.  I used to look at most horses that anyone was on and think that I could get on and get it be or similar or even better.  It wasn't that I was under some illusion of being the best ever, it was just that I had confidence and liked the challenge of getting on horses and seeing what we could do.  I like the challenge of thinking about what each horse needs, what kind of communication they need to reach their potential.
Much jump
I don't know if this is even making sense.  It isn't that when I'm confident I don't think I can improve.  In fact it is quite the opposite, I love watching riders and studying what I would emulate and what I would change.  You can learn something from everyone!  I also love taking lessons, having someone help you improve and get the most from your horse is awesome.  It is just that when I'm full of muchness I feel like I could change the world, even if it is just my small corner of the world filled with horses.  What better way to train a confident, bold horse than feeling confident and bold yourself.  I want my horses filled with muchness and I can't find that for them if I don't have it myself.  I can't expect my horse to have an 'I'm the shiz' attitude when we are headed around a course if I'm on his back doubting every move I've ever made.
Much trot
Good news, I am on the right track.  I'm finding my muchness again.  A journey for sure.  The most difficult part is that thing called personal growth.  I'm figuring out how to be my own personal proponent.  If someone tries to insult/question/insinuate etc about what I'm doing, I will give it thought as I don't ever want to have been in the wrong and unaware.  Mostly though I'm going to smile and nod and move on with my life.  I am very very hard on myself, I don't need any help with that thank you.  I'm not a typically bitchy person, but I may have to be now and again to protect my muchness, I hope you all protect your muchness too.

Speaking of muchness, when did being confident become such a crime?  Maybe it was just in my own head, but let's say this is going to be my new theme song for a while!


  1. Finding your muchness is such a difficult journey! But believe me when I say that you are one of my very favorite riders to watch - I love it when you post videos! You have such an energy of calm and patience that comes across that I really admire!

  2. I completely agree! Such a good topic. We all struggle with this I'm sure at some point. Loosing it can happen so easily, but getting it back needs to be a choice that you fight hard for. I feel like I am deep in the trenches patching holes in my confidence, but with each patched hole I am getting stronger. Good luck to you!

  3. I think lessons, personal life lessons are ones that get hashed and rehashed again and rehashed better etc because that's the way they take root. Like building blocks, so hash and rehash away.

  4. self doubt is pretty much the worst ugh. i love your concept of 'muchness' tho - and it makes perfect sense. i agree that a confident and bold attitude can be so critical for riding, and have been incredibly protective of my own after working so hard to rebuild it

  5. I've never doubted your talent or skills, that I know. I like seeing you break through and succeed, because that is way better than watching anyone fail. Especially because you are one pretty awesome friend!

  6. Confidence is just so tricky. You really can't question yourself, but you also really have to, but you still can't end up as an existential mess or it's really bad. Glad you are finding your way. :-) You've made a huge difference to a lot of horses, even the one we don't name.

  7. I am having a similar "do I have too much muchness?" in my worklife and can attest to what you've said above in a different setting. At the end of the day you just have to believe in yourself. And I think you're fabulous!

  8. hugs*
    The mind is our greatest tool yet worse enemy all at once. Scary how much power the brain has. I'm glad you're putting nasty seeds to bed and have a good structure of friends and teachers/trainers to help you refind and broaden your muchness.
    You ARE the shiz, don't let naysayers rain on your awesome parade