Muchness

Muchness, a made up word from a fun movie.  The thing about this made up word is that it describes exactly what I've struggled with this summer.  Somewhere along the way last winter/spring I allowed some people in my life to plant seeds of doubt about my skills and aptitude with horses.  I shouldn't have listened and also should have quickly ripped those 'weeds' out as they started to take root and grow.  The problem though is that I wasn't totally aware of it, somehow the doubt had seeped into my own thinking.  I started to doubt everything I did while I rode.  I started to doubt how I remembered the past.  I started to somehow rewrite my history.  Instead of thinking about all the horses I had trained and retrained and the good I did them, I started to look for ways that I had somehow caused their issues.  I continually heaped guilt over things I had no control of on myself, suddenly every bad thing any horse had done I had convinced myself was my responsibility.   Talk about burying yourself alive.  I know I keep rehashing this in different ways, but I'm making progress, so thank you for listening.

Much buck

Anyways, I've been in search of where my muchness went.  Here's the thing, the best riders have a certain level of cockiness.  Even the nicest and most humble of good riders still exude a bit of that 'I'm the shiz' attitude.  You know what?  They need it.  I've been guilty of it, but I don't know that guilt is the right word.  I used to look at most horses that anyone was on and think that I could get on and get it be or similar or even better.  It wasn't that I was under some illusion of being the best ever, it was just that I had confidence and liked the challenge of getting on horses and seeing what we could do.  I like the challenge of thinking about what each horse needs, what kind of communication they need to reach their potential.

Much jump

I don't know if this is even making sense.  It isn't that when I'm confident I don't think I can improve.  In fact it is quite the opposite, I love watching riders and studying what I would emulate and what I would change.  You can learn something from everyone!  I also love taking lessons, having someone help you improve and get the most from your horse is awesome.  It is just that when I'm full of muchness I feel like I could change the world, even if it is just my small corner of the world filled with horses.  What better way to train a confident, bold horse than feeling confident and bold yourself.  I want my horses filled with muchness and I can't find that for them if I don't have it myself.  I can't expect my horse to have an 'I'm the shiz' attitude when we are headed around a course if I'm on his back doubting every move I've ever made.

Much trot

Good news, I am on the right track.  I'm finding my muchness again.  A journey for sure.  The most difficult part is that thing called personal growth.  I'm figuring out how to be my own personal proponent.  If someone tries to insult/question/insinuate etc about what I'm doing, I will give it thought as I don't ever want to have been in the wrong and unaware.  Mostly though I'm going to smile and nod and move on with my life.  I am very very hard on myself, I don't need any help with that thank you.  I'm not a typically bitchy person, but I may have to be now and again to protect my muchness, I hope you all protect your muchness too.



Speaking of muchness, when did being confident become such a crime?  Maybe it was just in my own head, but let's say this is going to be my new theme song for a while!

FMNM Blog Hop: The Fear

Alyssa over at Four Mares No Money is hosting a blog hop!

She wins at art!

She wants to know: What is the most fearful moment you have ever had with a horse?
Oh Lordy, as someone who struggles with fear this really may be an insurmountable challenge choosing one moment.  I've actually talked about my struggles with fear several times here on the blog.
Tooth and Nail
PSA: Trail Riding

If you have read those you know that I get scared at wacky nonsensical times.  I'm going to talk here about two actually very dangerous and scary times.  The first one actually took a very special horse (read Tooth and Nail) to help me recover from and the second I wasn't panicy, just very mindful of how bad it could have been.

I was riding this really rank paint mare for a while.  She could buck like none other, we could trot into a fence 3.5' tall and clear it with ease only to land in full on bronco style bucking.  Yes, she had been checked out by vets and such, she was so scopey that it seemed worth the effort to attempt to tame her.  One day we were doing a grid.  Did I mention that this mare had no withers?  Well we jumped the first element and then she stopped, I sat up to pull her to the side and try again when she suddenly leapt over the second element and then bolted towards the top of the arena.  The lack of withers and breastplate meant that the saddle had slid fully to her side and strange thing was I was still on.  Here we were full tilt up the arena and I'm hanging on her side staring at her churning feet unable to make myself let go.  I can hear my trainer yelling to let go let go and still I'm just clinging to her side.  Finally I look forward and realize she is either going to jump the arena fence or turn and bang my head off fence posts as she gallops.  At this point I finally get up the gumption to let go and manage to time it so that I fly between the rails of the fence and land in the paddock on the other side.  Don't even ask me how I didn't wrap myself around a rail, guardian angels doing overtime.  Funny conclusion, I'd landed in the paddock with a very aggressive horse so I quickly scrambled out, and then realized the air had been knocked out of me.  Yep that's it, I wasn't physically hurt, but mentally I was shattered for a long time to come.

Not scared of that rail

It was quite a while before I jumped again, though I did still get on one or more horses every day.  I actually ended up doing a lot of dressage work with that mare and eventually schooling her cross country, it was a good way to find closure and take back control of my life.

Favorite verse

This next story had no long term mental effects, but it was certainly nerve wracking when it happened.  Often in the early spring we train the racehorses at the .5 mile training track in the next town over.  I had been riding a two year old for a friend and she was one stubborn filly.  Seriously, if you could actually get her into the trot or canter you were fine, but most of the ride would end up just being fighting in the walk, and if you kicked too hard or smacked her with a whip she would just sull up more, she also hated other horses so following one didn't help either.  In fact one day someone jogged half way around the track (on their own two feet) with me just so she might get the idea that that was what we wanted.  Well we had some heavy snow fall and then some thaw freeze cycles and the stretch of the track in front of the grandstand that never saw the light of day turned into an ice rink.  The rest of the track was salted and fine, but this part was 4" thick ice.  We all trudged out there with shovels and chipped out a path about one horse width wide and then got to training.  Well here I am on this stubborn filly with her owner on his pony horse out in front and another friend on another young one behind me.  We are walking on our path through the ice rink when suddenly the stubborn filly spooks sideways onto the ice and stops.  It actually felt like the whole world stopped, we were all holding our breath.  It was so cold she didn't even crunch the ice, if she had pulled any of her normal moves we would certainly have fallen down.  The seconds ticked by as we waited for her to do something, I couldn't ask her to step back to the path because as a rule she would just do the opposite.  Well finally she has possibly the first moment of common sense in her life and she calmly stepped back onto the path and all was well.  It was like the colors came back into focus, breathing commenced and the sounds of the world returned to my ears.

All.The.Things

There you have it, my two most fearful moments.