I'm not writing this to toot my own horn or even to pump myself up. I writing this for all of us that get stuck looking at the daily grind and forget to give ourselves the credit we deserve. The credit for the beautiful care our horses get. The acknowledgement of the research we do for the products we use. Credence to the mental fortitude to be patient and not to resort to anger or hysterics in the most trying of situations. Most of all, today though, I'm remembering to give myself the credit for the progress of my horse.
A few posts ago I acknowledged the 'winter training elves' and time off. I always acknowledge my horse and how great he is, how hard he tries, his talent, his memory for the skills he learns. I might talk about the things I am doing with him, but in my own head I never take that moment to be just a little proud. I'm not talking hubris here, just that little pat on the back. 'Good job self, this horse has made progress, you have guided that progress, you deserve a hug.'
He didn't learn to canter like this all by himself
Do you understand what I'm saying?
Last year was a struggle, I've talked about 'muchness' and confidence. I've talked about learning to not beat myself up. So, I guess the next step on this journey to healthy mental maturity is to move from the safe zone where I no longer berate myself into a zone where I am willing to recognize the good things I do with a horse.
Or to use his neck like this
Instead of looking at where we are in our training and feeling upset for not being further, I need to look at where we are in our training and throw a little party celebrating the journey so far. Ok, so we haven't been to a USEA event yet, but we can do pretty solid shoulder in, we did win a jumper class, we can canter in a manner suitable for first level. My horse's topline continues to develop as does his confidence. These are all things that don't happen while he stands in his stall or pasture. These are things that happen as I take up the reins, and I put on my leg, as I reward his effort I also need to reward mine.
Hello topline development not gotten while grazing
This is for all of you as well as myself. Remember where you started, remember where your horse started. In your journey to the finish line don't forget where that starting line was. It is that distance between goals in which you can so easily get lost. So, keep acknowledging the progress, keep readdressing the direction, and always remember to give yourself credit where credit is due.
Thank you Facebook memories for letting me know that a year ago we said goodbye to Mojito. Not exactly a cheery start to the day, but I know I made the right decision as I have no regret, just some lingering sadness about unfulfilled dreams and missing a friend.
He loved to be loved
I was planning to write about a song for Prisoner today. I often share songs that describe a feeling or motivate me, but I struggle to find a song that could be my horse's theme. Aimee's horse, Courage, though? Every other song I hear on the radio seems like it could be about him, possibly due to his being a queen/diva. Prisoner on the other hand is a little more self contained. He seriously has just recently decided that snuggling is actually an acceptable pastime.
Blinded by the bling
I'm sure that part of his hesitation to come out of his shell is a reflection of my own hesitation. I've gotten very attached to horses in the past only to have their owner take the ride back, or they die, or they end up showing a lack of aptitude so I sell them. That last one may sound harsh, but I have goals. I know it will be difficult to reach them, I might be 50 by the time I even get close, but I'm never going to get closer if I don't start with a somewhat suitable horse.
I think he is suitable
The struggle now is for me to get rid of bad habits (in my body and mind) gained from years of unsuitable horses. Prisoner isn't easy, but I don't think 'easy' comes with the territory of wildly talented, so I won't complain. He is skilled, but needs lots of training. I am skilled, but need lots of polish. Together I think that we can really go places. The last several months have been such a time for growth and introspection.
All for you buddy, all for you
I can't even begin to tell you the number of horses I've ridden in apparent preparation for this one. I've always looked at each challenge I've overcome with a horse as a time to build a new skill set. Often when the horse is less of a big challenge and ready for true forward progress in their training I get moved on to the next horse. 'Thanks for dealing with all the sh*t redheadlins, time for you to start back at the beginning with the next project.' I really have actually enjoyed all of that, but now I have my own horse past lots of his sh*t and guess what!? I get to keep progressing with him. He doesn't have a different owner to take him away. He shows heaps of talent I can't wait to hone and polish. I finally get to work on myself. We get to be a team.
At our first adventure together
Circling back to what I was saying about my own hesitation preventing Prisoner's personality from really blooming. I used to give a horse everything I had, heart and soul, but when our time together would inevitably come to an end, I would be shattered. I started to protect myself, if I was going to train horses for people I couldn't let my soul get involved. I've gotten away with keeping myself one step removed, but Mr. P isn't going to accept that. I need to jump in, we need to build our faith in each other so that we can do the impossible. Because isn't that what this crazy thing we all do with our horses really is? Every day that we climb aboard a half ton animal and convince ourselves that we can control it with some leather straps held together by bits of metal, we defy the limits of possibility. The moment I want to do more than cruise over a few jumps or elevate our ride from twenty meter circles to actually dancing I have to be invested. I know this doesn't apply to everyone, maybe we can blame it on my red hair.
So red
I'm not talking about being some out of control emotional wreck. What I mean is that I have to allow the horse into my deepest recesses. The little bits of myself that I hold back and protect for me I have to share with my partner. It is what creates those highest of highs and lowest of lows. I've let this happen with a few horses and those are the ones I will remember for my whole life. It is always a gamble, but this little horse I have is worthy. All of this overly deep blather brings me to my original point about finding him a song. Maybe as I open up to him more, he will too and I will be inspired about what music is his. Right now though, there is a song that is ours.
Muchness, a made up word from a fun movie. The thing about this made up word is that it describes exactly what I've struggled with this summer. Somewhere along the way last winter/spring I allowed some people in my life to plant seeds of doubt about my skills and aptitude with horses. I shouldn't have listened and also should have quickly ripped those 'weeds' out as they started to take root and grow. The problem though is that I wasn't totally aware of it, somehow the doubt had seeped into my own thinking. I started to doubt everything I did while I rode. I started to doubt how I remembered the past. I started to somehow rewrite my history. Instead of thinking about all the horses I had trained and retrained and the good I did them, I started to look for ways that I had somehow caused their issues. I continually heaped guilt over things I had no control of on myself, suddenly every bad thing any horse had done I had convinced myself was my responsibility. Talk about burying yourself alive. I know I keep rehashing this in different ways, but I'm making progress, so thank you for listening.
Much buck
Anyways, I've been in search of where my muchness went. Here's the thing, the best riders have a certain level of cockiness. Even the nicest and most humble of good riders still exude a bit of that 'I'm the shiz' attitude. You know what? They need it. I've been guilty of it, but I don't know that guilt is the right word. I used to look at most horses that anyone was on and think that I could get on and get it be or similar or even better. It wasn't that I was under some illusion of being the best ever, it was just that I had confidence and liked the challenge of getting on horses and seeing what we could do. I like the challenge of thinking about what each horse needs, what kind of communication they need to reach their potential.
Much jump
I don't know if this is even making sense. It isn't that when I'm confident I don't think I can improve. In fact it is quite the opposite, I love watching riders and studying what I would emulate and what I would change. You can learn something from everyone! I also love taking lessons, having someone help you improve and get the most from your horse is awesome. It is just that when I'm full of muchness I feel like I could change the world, even if it is just my small corner of the world filled with horses. What better way to train a confident, bold horse than feeling confident and bold yourself. I want my horses filled with muchness and I can't find that for them if I don't have it myself. I can't expect my horse to have an 'I'm the shiz' attitude when we are headed around a course if I'm on his back doubting every move I've ever made.
Much trot
Good news, I am on the right track. I'm finding my muchness again. A journey for sure. The most difficult part is that thing called personal growth. I'm figuring out how to be my own personal proponent. If someone tries to insult/question/insinuate etc about what I'm doing, I will give it thought as I don't ever want to have been in the wrong and unaware. Mostly though I'm going to smile and nod and move on with my life. I am very very hard on myself, I don't need any help with that thank you. I'm not a typically bitchy person, but I may have to be now and again to protect my muchness, I hope you all protect your muchness too.
Speaking of muchness, when did being confident become such a crime? Maybe it was just in my own head, but let's say this is going to be my new theme song for a while!
I used to be a good jump rider. Trusting, motivating, giving, strong yet soft, ect. ect. Then I rode nothing but green babies and problem horses. I made a name locally for myself. I could get on just about anything and get it to chill out and eventually be a brave jumper, at which point the horse would be sold or the owner would take over riding again.
My first go at Training
While I gained many skills and techniques I also lost some. In general my riding has improved every year, I would love to take what I know now and ride the horses of my past. There is a big but though. While many of my skills have been honed, the ability to trust a horse down to a jump jumped ship somewhere along the way.
Riding is certainly a journey
I hadn't realized it per se, but I had noticed that jumping didn't quite have the joy I knew it should. Yes, there were always great jumps sessions sprinkled around, but it just generally was more difficult than I remembered it should be. I could get any horse doing any shenanigan down to and over a jump, but the idea of just coming in at a good clip and jumping out of stride was eluding me. My hands are always wanting to check and steer, my legs to push and kick, my seat to be defensive, heck even my voice wanted some action. By golly we are going to get over that jump come hell or high water.
Brick walls of terror
It has been like I had no ability to jump easily. I've felt like I'm under water in a pool and keep slipping on the bottom, if good jumps are my oxygen I've been suffocating. Prisoner and I had a seriously rough summer, yes we made progress, but it was mixed in with lots of what felt like failure. Turns out it wasn't failure so much and just relearning what I used to know.
These are from a lesson back in August
Poor Prisoner has had to help me wade through the muck and mire I collected getting terrible horses turned into solid citizens. Many tears have been cried because I've felt like such a failure. Here I have been blessed with this wildly talented horse and we spent half the summer running sideways, running towards jumps, and rearing. I've always taken the adage to heart that if something goes wrong with a horse it is first the rider's fault. While mostly true you can't let it turn into an unhealthy mantra playing over in your head.
Flying airline ottb
I could beat myself up even more playing chicken vs. egg about why he started misbehaving. What it boils down to is just a big conglomeration of shit stuff called life. Finding a single culprit to blame would be like finding where the first drop in a rain storm fell, it doesn't matter. Instead I am looking to move forward. Relearn the simple art of letting a horse get to a fence without my getting in the way. He is athletic and smart, he will figure it out without 'help' from me. I have to relearn to trust my own skills as well as my horse. When a green horse doesn't understand the concept I can't immediately heap coals upon my head about my own inadequacy and failure, I must instead explain it to them in another way. All of these are things I knew, I just have to change that back into things I know.
Woah how did that happen? My last post was number 200, I'm amazed. I have loved getting to know all of you amazing bloggers and look forward to the adventures of the next two hundred posts!
Because funny.
Things I hope the next two hundred posts include? Shows and satin! Because P-Diddy demands that he has some beribboned photos, I know I shouldn't get my hopes too high since it is still his first year off the track, but one of my favorite quotes is:
*the nerd in me really takes issue with this.
The first time I felt him aim at the moon
I'm a dreamer, always have been, hopefully always will be. I love getting to share my dreams here, along with the struggle to make them a reality. While the frigid wind of winter blows through the eves I find myself dreaming of the thrill of the center-line salute, the satisfaction of nailing the strides in that triple combo, and the euphoria felt upon the completion of cross country. That snug thump from pulling your boots on, the fight to contain every fly away wisp of red hair in my hairnet, the pull and snap of the electrical tape as I boot up my partner. My heart beating in my throat in anticipation, and the sudden clarity and calm as we come out of the start box. The feel of my wool coat and silk stock tie encouraging my shoulders back and chin up. Getting up before the sun for an early groom session and walk about before the mundane tasks of stall cleaning and bucket scrubbing. All these things and more I hope will litter the contents of my next 200 posts. Where will we be, what will we be doing? So much can and will happen and I am giddy with the excitement of seeing what is around the bend. I will do my best to find the joy in each step of the way.
I would like to do a dump of information about Diva this spring. As I brought her back into work after the long cold winter she was good to ride as far as not needing lunged and such. She was terrible to ride as far as remembering the things she learned last fall and early winter. She was fussy and pissy and completely beside herself. There were better rides and worse rides, and I was getting frustrated.
Good Points:
Better canter
More coordinated
Weight gain
Awesome hoof growth
Slightly quieter mouth
Jumping showing improvement
Bad Points:
Can't apply leg aids without a fit
New evasion methods tested:
Head straight in air
Running through my leg
Kicking out
Attempting to buck
Squealing in opposition
The fact that many of these seemed really out of character from the lovely mare I had last year had the wheels turning in my head. I got her teeth floated, helped some, but not astounding amounts. Husband came out and did body work, BAM! Turns out she had ribs out of place, poor princess. I felt really bad, but we suddenly had some better rides. It still wasn't perfect though and she still seemed inconsistent. Finally I started her on regumate, it was amazing! Seriously, we still had to work through her large opinion, but we could actually put in productive rides. We went from this:
Grrrr
To this:
Booyah!
This awesome picture was actually after three days without regumate, I mistakenly thought that we had kicked her out of heat. LOL. So I decided to join in a lesson with sprinklerbandit the next day. Oh for horses making us look like fools.
Oh Diva
She was back to kicking and squealing and being totally insane. Steph finally asked me, 'are you afraid she is going to go through the arena fence?' 'Yes, yes I am.' So she got on and I was happy to watch for a while. Diva tried every evasion (it was nice to see it was all stuff I could easily handle), but finally gave it up and went well. I got back on and we discussed how I can't let Diva trick me into a fight. I have to let her figure it out and I can't take it personally. We agreed that while regumate may help, we women have to deal with hormones so Diva at least has to try. Steph also rode her in spurs which was a first, after some throwing of large opinions Diva didn't seem to mind them.
For the next few rides before I went out of town I rode with spurs and a running martingale. I think there was angelic singing. When she went to throw her head in the air she would hit the rings and quietly return from the stratosphere. Then when she would try to run sideways instead of trying to passify her to avoid the destruction of property I would just apply my spur, AND DIVA SAID, 'AYE AYE CAPTAIN!'
Check it out!
I am now home and battling 105 degree weather, but I hope to have a Diva update very soon.
