Muchness

Muchness, a made up word from a fun movie.  The thing about this made up word is that it describes exactly what I've struggled with this summer.  Somewhere along the way last winter/spring I allowed some people in my life to plant seeds of doubt about my skills and aptitude with horses.  I shouldn't have listened and also should have quickly ripped those 'weeds' out as they started to take root and grow.  The problem though is that I wasn't totally aware of it, somehow the doubt had seeped into my own thinking.  I started to doubt everything I did while I rode.  I started to doubt how I remembered the past.  I started to somehow rewrite my history.  Instead of thinking about all the horses I had trained and retrained and the good I did them, I started to look for ways that I had somehow caused their issues.  I continually heaped guilt over things I had no control of on myself, suddenly every bad thing any horse had done I had convinced myself was my responsibility.   Talk about burying yourself alive.  I know I keep rehashing this in different ways, but I'm making progress, so thank you for listening.

Much buck

Anyways, I've been in search of where my muchness went.  Here's the thing, the best riders have a certain level of cockiness.  Even the nicest and most humble of good riders still exude a bit of that 'I'm the shiz' attitude.  You know what?  They need it.  I've been guilty of it, but I don't know that guilt is the right word.  I used to look at most horses that anyone was on and think that I could get on and get it be or similar or even better.  It wasn't that I was under some illusion of being the best ever, it was just that I had confidence and liked the challenge of getting on horses and seeing what we could do.  I like the challenge of thinking about what each horse needs, what kind of communication they need to reach their potential.

Much jump

I don't know if this is even making sense.  It isn't that when I'm confident I don't think I can improve.  In fact it is quite the opposite, I love watching riders and studying what I would emulate and what I would change.  You can learn something from everyone!  I also love taking lessons, having someone help you improve and get the most from your horse is awesome.  It is just that when I'm full of muchness I feel like I could change the world, even if it is just my small corner of the world filled with horses.  What better way to train a confident, bold horse than feeling confident and bold yourself.  I want my horses filled with muchness and I can't find that for them if I don't have it myself.  I can't expect my horse to have an 'I'm the shiz' attitude when we are headed around a course if I'm on his back doubting every move I've ever made.

Much trot

Good news, I am on the right track.  I'm finding my muchness again.  A journey for sure.  The most difficult part is that thing called personal growth.  I'm figuring out how to be my own personal proponent.  If someone tries to insult/question/insinuate etc about what I'm doing, I will give it thought as I don't ever want to have been in the wrong and unaware.  Mostly though I'm going to smile and nod and move on with my life.  I am very very hard on myself, I don't need any help with that thank you.  I'm not a typically bitchy person, but I may have to be now and again to protect my muchness, I hope you all protect your muchness too.



Speaking of muchness, when did being confident become such a crime?  Maybe it was just in my own head, but let's say this is going to be my new theme song for a while!